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Devious Journal Entry
6 min read
Just a warning going to talk about heavy mental health issues and the like here so please don't read this if that's likely to destroy your day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well hi
Gotta confess the 20+ things I uploaded today was mostly brought on by a whim but it was nice. Nice looking at old art even if some of it makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. (or embarrassed about who I was interacting with as a teenager but can't do much about that now)
I've been slowly trying to get back into art, uni ended up as a huge wasted effort that... Well. I floundered. I floundered and just kept dropping until my mind was going to places a (at the time) 21 year old mind shouldnt go to.
I realised pretty early on in the first year that I was suffering from some severe mental health and fatigue issues that aggravated going to uni and were continuing to worsen the more I travelled there.
By the end of the first year I'd just barely passed with a 50~54 Mark (pass is 40) and pretty much none of the work made me happy. It was distressing to be putting as much effort as you could into something and realise you just didn't have the energy to pump into it. That you didn't know why you were in this uni, that you weren't good enough and we're worthless compared to your fellow students.
I'd felt confused too, the people I'd become friends with were all lovely but I felt a distance whether that was my social illiteracy, not being a Cardiff based student or a mix of that combined with very little socialisation over the years.
It hurt to not know what to do and to feel so confused all the time, with school work and socially.
Then the second year came and I... essentially had a year long break down. I don't know how it lasted so long but the disability advisor I had contact with nor my tutor were really helping me withdraw from uni or even making me aware properly of the options and that I could literally just withdraw and not suspend the course.
Felt like trying to swallow sand. Everyday feeling crushed by the fact I wasn't there, seeing everyone going to uni and now the people I'd called friends have graduated. I'm happy for them
and their success but it hurt that I wasn't one of them.
It was by no means a course I got on with, if general consensus was anything to go by most people thought it was pretty piss poor. But still there's some big sense of failure and loss to be had when you've struggled your entire academic career only to fall flat on your face at the place you worked your ass off to get to.
And I thought it was my fault that entire time.
For so long I thought maybe I'm just not cut out for uni, or I just don't work hard enough, not skilled enough, not assertive enough, not creative enough, not normal enough to be able to function in this environment.
And I do still think that, at least on some level. But I know mental illness makes you blame yourself even when things are out of your hands. My year long melt down brought so much crushing anguish there's no way I could've been in my right mind. There's no way someone having horrific nightmares, crying every day, thinking its better not to be here for 2 years after uni was well enough to be faulted.
And I've got to believe that.
Going to uni and the fallout of dropping out destroyed me for so long. I wasn't playing games, making any art, reading or watching manga and anime, I was just sat there going through everything I'd done wrong and how nothing will ever change and what's the point of being here if things stay the same?
But things have slowly gotten better. I think a turning point was after dropping out officially I felt like I wasn't being crushed by pressure as much.
I'm still as a consequence agoraphobic, well more so than previously. I didn't go out unless it was to go to uni and even then I missed like 2/5 days. It was a struggled to get used to the travelling process for college and then as again with uni but no doubt that made it harder because some days I was just... Frozen and unable to go outside. The anxiety continues to be suffocating in that regard.
I've been slowly trying to draw a little at a time without focusing too too much on studies or stuff that would stress me out. Frustration at not being good enough and anxiety over it is ever present but I'll take that one step at a time.
I've been keeping a bullet journal for a few months, previously had one in late 2016 as well. Inside there's a tracker for art progress which has been so so valuable for repairing my relationship with art. Its a little like an rpg start sheet for different subjects, techniques and mediums. Highly recommend it.
My sister had a baby who has helped in so many ways. He's a wonderful little boy, with so many funny adorable habits. He put a smile on my face on days where I felt like it wasn't worth it to be here and I'll always be thankful for that. Weird how babies can have a similar effect to therapy animals. c':
I've started playing games again more often too, I'm very good at making them not fun for myself but thankfully having a ps vita and a 3ds means a lot of accessibility for the kinds of games I enjoy.
Thanks to anyone who read this, and I hope despite the harshness everyone's been through these last few years that you've found your happiness in whatever way you can. I can't guarantee I'll suddenly start posting regularly on here again but hopefully you'll get to see more from me in the not so distant future.
And please remember to treat yourself like you're real. I know it's hard to do that if you're going through rough times but eating well, exercising having a clean environment does a hell of a lot of good. I'm trying too, every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well hi
Gotta confess the 20+ things I uploaded today was mostly brought on by a whim but it was nice. Nice looking at old art even if some of it makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. (or embarrassed about who I was interacting with as a teenager but can't do much about that now)
I've been slowly trying to get back into art, uni ended up as a huge wasted effort that... Well. I floundered. I floundered and just kept dropping until my mind was going to places a (at the time) 21 year old mind shouldnt go to.
I realised pretty early on in the first year that I was suffering from some severe mental health and fatigue issues that aggravated going to uni and were continuing to worsen the more I travelled there.
By the end of the first year I'd just barely passed with a 50~54 Mark (pass is 40) and pretty much none of the work made me happy. It was distressing to be putting as much effort as you could into something and realise you just didn't have the energy to pump into it. That you didn't know why you were in this uni, that you weren't good enough and we're worthless compared to your fellow students.
I'd felt confused too, the people I'd become friends with were all lovely but I felt a distance whether that was my social illiteracy, not being a Cardiff based student or a mix of that combined with very little socialisation over the years.
It hurt to not know what to do and to feel so confused all the time, with school work and socially.
Then the second year came and I... essentially had a year long break down. I don't know how it lasted so long but the disability advisor I had contact with nor my tutor were really helping me withdraw from uni or even making me aware properly of the options and that I could literally just withdraw and not suspend the course.
Felt like trying to swallow sand. Everyday feeling crushed by the fact I wasn't there, seeing everyone going to uni and now the people I'd called friends have graduated. I'm happy for them
and their success but it hurt that I wasn't one of them.
It was by no means a course I got on with, if general consensus was anything to go by most people thought it was pretty piss poor. But still there's some big sense of failure and loss to be had when you've struggled your entire academic career only to fall flat on your face at the place you worked your ass off to get to.
And I thought it was my fault that entire time.
For so long I thought maybe I'm just not cut out for uni, or I just don't work hard enough, not skilled enough, not assertive enough, not creative enough, not normal enough to be able to function in this environment.
And I do still think that, at least on some level. But I know mental illness makes you blame yourself even when things are out of your hands. My year long melt down brought so much crushing anguish there's no way I could've been in my right mind. There's no way someone having horrific nightmares, crying every day, thinking its better not to be here for 2 years after uni was well enough to be faulted.
And I've got to believe that.
Going to uni and the fallout of dropping out destroyed me for so long. I wasn't playing games, making any art, reading or watching manga and anime, I was just sat there going through everything I'd done wrong and how nothing will ever change and what's the point of being here if things stay the same?
But things have slowly gotten better. I think a turning point was after dropping out officially I felt like I wasn't being crushed by pressure as much.
I'm still as a consequence agoraphobic, well more so than previously. I didn't go out unless it was to go to uni and even then I missed like 2/5 days. It was a struggled to get used to the travelling process for college and then as again with uni but no doubt that made it harder because some days I was just... Frozen and unable to go outside. The anxiety continues to be suffocating in that regard.
I've been slowly trying to draw a little at a time without focusing too too much on studies or stuff that would stress me out. Frustration at not being good enough and anxiety over it is ever present but I'll take that one step at a time.
I've been keeping a bullet journal for a few months, previously had one in late 2016 as well. Inside there's a tracker for art progress which has been so so valuable for repairing my relationship with art. Its a little like an rpg start sheet for different subjects, techniques and mediums. Highly recommend it.
My sister had a baby who has helped in so many ways. He's a wonderful little boy, with so many funny adorable habits. He put a smile on my face on days where I felt like it wasn't worth it to be here and I'll always be thankful for that. Weird how babies can have a similar effect to therapy animals. c':
I've started playing games again more often too, I'm very good at making them not fun for myself but thankfully having a ps vita and a 3ds means a lot of accessibility for the kinds of games I enjoy.
Thanks to anyone who read this, and I hope despite the harshness everyone's been through these last few years that you've found your happiness in whatever way you can. I can't guarantee I'll suddenly start posting regularly on here again but hopefully you'll get to see more from me in the not so distant future.
And please remember to treat yourself like you're real. I know it's hard to do that if you're going through rough times but eating well, exercising having a clean environment does a hell of a lot of good. I'm trying too, every day.
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
Sorry for the spam, just decided to upload the things I liked that I've done in the last 3-4 months from university.
But anyway, HI GUYS, LONG TIME NO SEE.
I don't know how many of you are active on here any more as most people seemed to have either dropped off the face of the earth or moved to tumblr/reddit/etc. Well, regardless I hope everyone is doing ok. c:
I have a uni blog I'll be posting to every now and then called riffleshideyhole.wordpress.com if anyone is curious.
But anyway, HI GUYS, LONG TIME NO SEE. I don't know how many of you are active on here any more as most people seemed to have either dropped off the face of the earth or moved to tumblr/reddit/etc. Well, regardless I hope everyone is doing ok. c:
I have a uni blog I'll be posting to every now and then called riffleshideyhole.wordpress.com if anyone is curious.
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Hey All
1 min read
College is ending
I may potentially be making a comic (I'll post some things here when I've got them up and ready)
artslam begins in an hour
I'm going to Cardiff for uni
Family faff is still happening with my brother being my brother and my sis gaining a boyfriend. And the parents regaining their free time as we all grow older.
Looking forward to the future.
I think.
It's kind of terrifying but in a nice way.
Also I finished my first art book yesterday, did nearly 20 pages of studies and notes from it along with reading it in four days. I FEEL SLIGHTLY ACCOMPLISHED.
Hope everyone out there is happy and healthy. Would be great to know how everyone is getting on.
I may potentially be making a comic (I'll post some things here when I've got them up and ready)
artslam begins in an hour
I'm going to Cardiff for uni
Family faff is still happening with my brother being my brother and my sis gaining a boyfriend. And the parents regaining their free time as we all grow older.
Looking forward to the future.
I think.
It's kind of terrifying but in a nice way.
Also I finished my first art book yesterday, did nearly 20 pages of studies and notes from it along with reading it in four days. I FEEL SLIGHTLY ACCOMPLISHED.
Hope everyone out there is happy and healthy. Would be great to know how everyone is getting on.
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HIYAAAA
2 min read
I know I say this every time about being more active so I won't this time
so
HELLO
EVERYONE WHO GIVES TWO HOOTS
I WILL MAKE A POINT OF DOING AN UPDATE ON THINGS PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT CARE ABOUT
So far I've got three interviews for uni after applying for illustration to unis in and around Wales...which is terrifying.
I'll be posting some more stuffs over the coming months hopefully, I've been forcing myself to do figure drawing recently in a bit to try and ACTUALLY GET USED TO DRAWING PEOPLE PROPERLY.
With any luck one uni will actually want me :'D
Which is about the extent of my life recently....new friends in college and all that, making weird noises and amusing people is always a good way of acquiring friends. I'd like to get into more things in my free time too and organise our house but that seems a bit too much of a big task right now so I'll live with what I have for now until something goes KABOOM. (or until my back breaks from working on my bed)
Also I changed my icon a while back for the first time in nearly four or five years. Good not to have it flashing any more actually.
As always, how is everyone?
so
HELLO
EVERYONE WHO GIVES TWO HOOTS
I WILL MAKE A POINT OF DOING AN UPDATE ON THINGS PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT CARE ABOUT
So far I've got three interviews for uni after applying for illustration to unis in and around Wales...which is terrifying.
I'll be posting some more stuffs over the coming months hopefully, I've been forcing myself to do figure drawing recently in a bit to try and ACTUALLY GET USED TO DRAWING PEOPLE PROPERLY.
With any luck one uni will actually want me :'D
Which is about the extent of my life recently....new friends in college and all that, making weird noises and amusing people is always a good way of acquiring friends. I'd like to get into more things in my free time too and organise our house but that seems a bit too much of a big task right now so I'll live with what I have for now until something goes KABOOM. (or until my back breaks from working on my bed)
Also I changed my icon a while back for the first time in nearly four or five years. Good not to have it flashing any more actually.
As always, how is everyone?
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Weeeeeeelp
1 min read
I'm still around
working on college work with like advertising and making stamps based around welsh mythology.
Hoping to actually put words into practice and start doing things instead of thinking about them, my mindset takes quite a while to just function and actually make me productive.
And I should maybe possibly hopefully be more active on here and producing more stuffs....not so sure how good digital art will be since my tablet is kind of dead but I could try and make it work.
How is everyone, for those of you who still are active on DA?
That reminds me, I'm thinking about making a tumblr for posting art, should I ever get more active again...
working on college work with like advertising and making stamps based around welsh mythology.
Hoping to actually put words into practice and start doing things instead of thinking about them, my mindset takes quite a while to just function and actually make me productive.
And I should maybe possibly hopefully be more active on here and producing more stuffs....not so sure how good digital art will be since my tablet is kind of dead but I could try and make it work.
How is everyone, for those of you who still are active on DA?
That reminds me, I'm thinking about making a tumblr for posting art, should I ever get more active again...
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